...passion and stakes....

...after a brief but fiery talk to a friend, the situation with the former Mrs. Schiavo has me making a few corrections...and a few more comments....

...Michael was not paying for it as it seems...there was a an trust to take care of that from a settlement....

...but that leads me to think:

at what point does empathy turn to anger ?

I empathize with all concerned, but I don't feel a need to find a villain. There may be one or many in this story, but all I know is what I have been told....

I don't know what she wanted....

I don't know what is going on in her mind, Michael's mind, her family's mind....

I don't know what motivated any of them....

I have no stake in the outcome so no need to judge any....

I am an observer, with no need to be angry or vengeful against anyone.

...nothing but a humble observer in a sad, sad tale.....

May God heal and deal justly with all involved.

Amen

...He has called her to peace...

Terri Schiavo passed away today...quietly and with grace, or as much grace as one can have when they are being starved for days...

...but still, graceful...which is less than I can say for the other players in this drama...

...this story was chocka block of fighting and accusations, of desperation and despair...and court and medical bills that would make Bill Gates gag...

...but it brings me to think...what if she could have known what was around her ?

...would she have been happy that Michael found a way to balance his new life and his former one with a woman who couldn't react to him...?

(say what you want, dear reader....he stood by her a long time in that state, longer than most men I know would stay by an responsive mate...and he's footing the bill!)

...would she be sad that her parent suffered with the fact that they couldn't save her...

...from anorexia...from the heart failure...from the state she would find herself in for the next 15 years...?

...would have been proud of the protesters fighting her cause?

...would she roll her eyes and shake her head at the senator who specializes in tele-diagnosing?

was she relieved as she felt herself slipping away ? or did she tried to fight it for as long as she could?

I don't know...

what I do know is that she is getting a well earned rest...

and now if only the media would give it a rest then we could all heal...

...life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...

...a fortune from a cookie I had at lunch, dear reader...

...one wouldn't think that a random message on tiny piece of paper written by someone who was probrably paid by word, put in a slip of dough by machine in a plant would apply to me, a girl finishing a buffet meal a half a world away...

...but it rings true. It's all about choice.

it's too easy to be swept away in emotion, wanting to feel sorry for yourself,

to feel lonely and rejected,

to feel like you made the worst mistake in your life,

to feel like a failure....

but when you think about it, I mean REALLY think about it...

you just HAVE to laugh...

...at the Man Logic ( or as I heard it from a guy, Man (non)Logic) that abounds around you and the assuptions the men in your life make without wisdom or proof...

...the bravery and humor your children offer in a most dark time...

...at the pitstops, pitfalls and pratfalls of those who are going down the same road you are currently....(there really isn't a such thing as an unique experience after all, dear reader)

...and to see yourself as you are:

tired, but running and working and drinking and singing....

sad, but happy with anticipation for the future....

in mourning, but celebrating your freedom...

sad for the closed doors but joyful for the open windows.

being joyful takes courage because its sooo hard to think when all we want to do is feel...

but life gets sooo much easier after a good laugh.

I'll write again soon,
Sique

....home and as lit as a match.....

and just in case you were wondering, yes I had a great time, dear reader, after a few beers and a jager-bomb, I'm as right as rain....

...I slipped off just as some guy thought he was going to take me home.....poor sap!

...I have a strong connection to those who support me, like my friends and a companion who would rather keep me at a arm's length at this moment...and I'm not going to spoil that for a guy who wanted to buy me a drink with the hope of something more....even though Man Logic abounds but I won't let that bother me, no not tonight...

yes, dear reader, I come before you ever so slightly drunk ( yeah , right!) and happy about it since I had the good sense to come home single, as I told you I would...

and I had a great time...I was a goddess and even though not every man in the place wanted me, at least one did....and that's enough to keep my ego inflated for days (fine just one, but still...it felt good...).

well dear reader I should get to bed and sleep some of this off...you never know I may have to face the day with a clear head!

...I sang a few for you and I drank a few as well....

Good morning,
Sique

...like a goddess...

...i love mucha...

...as an artist he always had a way making women look like the clouds parted and they stepped down from heaven...

they were always beautiful and voluptuous, with soft bellies and hard curves....

they weren't always waited on hand and foot like our lady here, but I'm sure there were many who wanted to....

that's how I feel tonight....like a goddess....ready to step down to the land of mortals, and without friend or companion, have drink or two, sing a song, wink, smile and go home....single.

Salute, and if you ask I'll have one for you too....

Sique

...the five stages....

as with actual death, the death of a marriage comes in stages. I find that to be the case when after two years of a sort of cancer cause by his insecurity and low self-esteem, I "removed the feeding tube" as it were to my marriage to Trout.

....no, that's not his real name, but my name isn't really Sique, either....

it took a while to realize what was happening, mainly because I was so fixed on getting all the paperwork done and trying to keep things "normal" for our girls...(one responded "finally" while the other asked if she could have my room, which she was disappointed to find out that I still needed)

but his reaction was very close to the phases a dying person goes through....

1) Denial & Isolation....

...when I told him I was planning to file, instead of staying gone like a good boy (he had moved out 2 weeks prior), he camped out on the couch, hoping that his presence in the house and absence from our bed would insite a riot or something (or at least a plea for sex, I suppose)...with some adjustment (mostly getting used to spreading out again) I have learned to sleep like a baby.

then came the silent treatment, which was refreshing since we mostly argued for the last two years....then came the true denial:

...he moved back in. (what could I do, dear reader? his name is still on the lease!)

2) Anger...

...once back in the began a rage campaign that had me begging him to come with me to Las Vegas to make the process faster. he accused me of everything from trying to kill him in his sleep so I can move to San Diego (to which I assured him that that course of action would cause a MUCH longer stay in TX...in a cell) to biting our ginger tabby cat (to quote Dave Barry, I'm not making this up...). once he got off his male menstral cycle I was ushered to the next phase...

3) Bargaining...

"I'll be the man I was back then..."

"If you'll give me another chance, I won't let you down, I promise...."

"Had you said you going to divorce me sooner, I would have changed sooner" (ladies and gentlemen, I give you Man Logic!!!)...this last one is funny since I told him I would leave him if things didn't get better to which he responded...

"you said 'leave' you didn't say 'divorce'!!!"...i laughed in spite of myself....(once again, show your love for Man Logic!!!!)

...roses came, the house stayed clean, laundry was done, toilet seat was down...but it was too late...if only he had done these things while I was still in love with him. Oh well....

...now the bargaining is different now...he wants to be my first boy friend after the divorce is final...which is kinda like trading in your used car so you can rent it for weekend trips....

4) Depression and 5)Acceptance...

...even though I am the one filing, I too mourn the passing of our marriage...we were best friends for the longest time and I truly miss being proud of calling him my husband...

...personally I have passed the point of depression to acceptance...accepting that I was once a loved wife and now I am a single woman once again....

...accepting that I'm now a single mom...

...accepting that no matter what I did or how much I pleaded, it wasn't enough to keep him in love with me when I wanted, needed him to....

...accepting that now there is a chance to receive that from someone else, but he isn't the one I said "I do" to...

...accepting the new adventure that waits for me in the vast expanse that is the future...

...accepting that I have the courage to life life with joy, but what I lack is the energy...

and seeing that it is almost 1 am as I write this I think I have a solution to the energy part.

good morning, dear reader, and we'll talk again soon.

Sique

...the men in our life...

I spent the last of a good night at the Waffle House with a good friend and classmate talking about the men we have regards and passion for. like the men in most women's lives, they are a source of humor and heartache, but not for the reasons you might think...

..it's because we are afraid of them...

...not afraid of abuse (neither have an abusive bone in their bodies), or the their tendency of their putting their foots firmly in their mouths, but ....

...because they see us as we are and they like what they see...

...to have a person who will see you burp and laugh along with you, to have blow ups and they listen carefully and apologize (yes dear reader, men do apologize), to be big and they love it....that is a rare and kind thing.

...the thing they do that no other man has ever done for either of us...

they make us feel as they see us, namely beautiful.

we're afraid because this is not the norm for us and to believe them stretches our faith in them and ourselves much farther than we ever thought it could.

and so over coffee and various fatty foods we decide that we are going to keep them.

and our hearts glow.

32

...today, I become 32- a nice number (mid thirties has a nice ring to it) and the 24 hours that follow will change my life forever...

'isn't that a bit melodramatic, Sique?'

...yes dear reader, it is, but true all the same...

my religion has annouced that all followers be in attendance for a "special annoucement", one that will no doubt make way for a special provision of the sort that will extoll God's blessings upon us and make our life amongst the world more pleasant, or in the most extreme case, shorter.

...it brings me to think: I'm I ready for the world to end? I'm I ready for wickedness to to be wiped clean off the surface of the earth?....

yes.

yes, I am. But I may be wiped clean with it.

I'm I scared ? a little, but i knew the path I chose would determine my fate....

I haven't made the best of decisions, but I regret few...

I haven't always been the picture of obedience, but I've never put on a false face either...

I enjoyed myself, not with drugs, sex or booze as some may think, but with exploring all the things that make the world pure and wonderful and rich, some things that may not have been the best choice for a true christian, but were for me. I lived a life of variety, spice and wonder and shared the joy with my children.

in essence, I enjoy the life I lead.

and that might condenm me faster than drugs, sex or booze ever could...

oh well... at least I have a 16 hour MST3K marathon with friends to look forward to after the meeting....

...be couragous enough to live life with joy....
Sique