...the five stages....
as with actual death, the death of a marriage comes in stages. I find that to be the case when after two years of a sort of cancer cause by his insecurity and low self-esteem, I "removed the feeding tube" as it were to my marriage to Trout.
....no, that's not his real name, but my name isn't really Sique, either....
it took a while to realize what was happening, mainly because I was so fixed on getting all the paperwork done and trying to keep things "normal" for our girls...(one responded "finally" while the other asked if she could have my room, which she was disappointed to find out that I still needed)
but his reaction was very close to the phases a dying person goes through....
1) Denial & Isolation....
...when I told him I was planning to file, instead of staying gone like a good boy (he had moved out 2 weeks prior), he camped out on the couch, hoping that his presence in the house and absence from our bed would insite a riot or something (or at least a plea for sex, I suppose)...with some adjustment (mostly getting used to spreading out again) I have learned to sleep like a baby.
then came the silent treatment, which was refreshing since we mostly argued for the last two years....then came the true denial:
...he moved back in. (what could I do, dear reader? his name is still on the lease!)
2) Anger...
...once back in the began a rage campaign that had me begging him to come with me to Las Vegas to make the process faster. he accused me of everything from trying to kill him in his sleep so I can move to San Diego (to which I assured him that that course of action would cause a MUCH longer stay in TX...in a cell) to biting our ginger tabby cat (to quote Dave Barry, I'm not making this up...). once he got off his male menstral cycle I was ushered to the next phase...
3) Bargaining...
"I'll be the man I was back then..."
"If you'll give me another chance, I won't let you down, I promise...."
"Had you said you going to divorce me sooner, I would have changed sooner" (ladies and gentlemen, I give you Man Logic!!!)...this last one is funny since I told him I would leave him if things didn't get better to which he responded...
"you said 'leave' you didn't say 'divorce'!!!"...i laughed in spite of myself....(once again, show your love for Man Logic!!!!)
...roses came, the house stayed clean, laundry was done, toilet seat was down...but it was too late...if only he had done these things while I was still in love with him. Oh well....
...now the bargaining is different now...he wants to be my first boy friend after the divorce is final...which is kinda like trading in your used car so you can rent it for weekend trips....
4) Depression and 5)Acceptance...
...even though I am the one filing, I too mourn the passing of our marriage...we were best friends for the longest time and I truly miss being proud of calling him my husband...
...personally I have passed the point of depression to acceptance...accepting that I was once a loved wife and now I am a single woman once again....
...accepting that I'm now a single mom...
...accepting that no matter what I did or how much I pleaded, it wasn't enough to keep him in love with me when I wanted, needed him to....
...accepting that now there is a chance to receive that from someone else, but he isn't the one I said "I do" to...
...accepting the new adventure that waits for me in the vast expanse that is the future...
...accepting that I have the courage to life life with joy, but what I lack is the energy...
and seeing that it is almost 1 am as I write this I think I have a solution to the energy part.
good morning, dear reader, and we'll talk again soon.
Sique
....no, that's not his real name, but my name isn't really Sique, either....
it took a while to realize what was happening, mainly because I was so fixed on getting all the paperwork done and trying to keep things "normal" for our girls...(one responded "finally" while the other asked if she could have my room, which she was disappointed to find out that I still needed)
but his reaction was very close to the phases a dying person goes through....
1) Denial & Isolation....
...when I told him I was planning to file, instead of staying gone like a good boy (he had moved out 2 weeks prior), he camped out on the couch, hoping that his presence in the house and absence from our bed would insite a riot or something (or at least a plea for sex, I suppose)...with some adjustment (mostly getting used to spreading out again) I have learned to sleep like a baby.
then came the silent treatment, which was refreshing since we mostly argued for the last two years....then came the true denial:
...he moved back in. (what could I do, dear reader? his name is still on the lease!)
2) Anger...
...once back in the began a rage campaign that had me begging him to come with me to Las Vegas to make the process faster. he accused me of everything from trying to kill him in his sleep so I can move to San Diego (to which I assured him that that course of action would cause a MUCH longer stay in TX...in a cell) to biting our ginger tabby cat (to quote Dave Barry, I'm not making this up...). once he got off his male menstral cycle I was ushered to the next phase...
3) Bargaining...
"I'll be the man I was back then..."
"If you'll give me another chance, I won't let you down, I promise...."
"Had you said you going to divorce me sooner, I would have changed sooner" (ladies and gentlemen, I give you Man Logic!!!)...this last one is funny since I told him I would leave him if things didn't get better to which he responded...
"you said 'leave' you didn't say 'divorce'!!!"...i laughed in spite of myself....(once again, show your love for Man Logic!!!!)
...roses came, the house stayed clean, laundry was done, toilet seat was down...but it was too late...if only he had done these things while I was still in love with him. Oh well....
...now the bargaining is different now...he wants to be my first boy friend after the divorce is final...which is kinda like trading in your used car so you can rent it for weekend trips....
4) Depression and 5)Acceptance...
...even though I am the one filing, I too mourn the passing of our marriage...we were best friends for the longest time and I truly miss being proud of calling him my husband...
...personally I have passed the point of depression to acceptance...accepting that I was once a loved wife and now I am a single woman once again....
...accepting that I'm now a single mom...
...accepting that no matter what I did or how much I pleaded, it wasn't enough to keep him in love with me when I wanted, needed him to....
...accepting that now there is a chance to receive that from someone else, but he isn't the one I said "I do" to...
...accepting the new adventure that waits for me in the vast expanse that is the future...
...accepting that I have the courage to life life with joy, but what I lack is the energy...
and seeing that it is almost 1 am as I write this I think I have a solution to the energy part.
good morning, dear reader, and we'll talk again soon.
Sique
posted by sique | 12:09 AM
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