some new snaps

new hair...check!
new eyes...check!
new digital camera...check!
new picture hosting program...check!

something to share

As I write this, Moe, pictured here, asks: "Why do you like that picture, MOM?"

Honestly, it's because I believe that self-potraits are the essence of who we are.

and this picture is the essence of what Moe is:

-thoughtful
-introverted, but outgoing
-serious, but with a strong goofy side.

it's a beautiful picture and it demostrates to me how my girls are going up.

and I'm glad that I have a picture t remember that moment in time.

a few photos...

Time goes by, tempers flair, hard times come and go, but one thing stays the same...

these girls are the reason why I get up in the morning....

even when they fight with me and each other, the world would not be the same without them.

I love them with everything I have and they give it back to me ten fold...along with the headaches....

and so now....Holloween snaps! (yaahhhh!)



in 5 years I will have to carry a gun to keep the boys away....
Peace, Love and Tooth rotting candy forever...
BOO!
if I look insightful, maybe she'll forget how dirty this room is...
Even in a witch hat, she's still the beautiful 12 year old I know...

...I think I'm going to be okay....

There aren't many things I can be sure of nowadays...

but I'm sure that I'm going to be okay.

my work is fulfilling and my family life is up and down, but I'm fighting the blues and trying to find the light...

the wounds from fighting day to day wear me down...

but I find that I can still keep on going...

and go on I will.

life from above, part deux

I'm in love...

...but not with the man who would do anything for me...

Trout, even now, would do anything I would ask him to, with the hope that i will marry him again...

...but I don't want to...but he makes my life secure...

...I don't have to worry because he has everything under control...

except for his temper...

...and his insecurity...

the things that poisoned what wouold have been a long and happy marriage.

I have never built a life by myself before...never had to face the troubles of life by myself before.

He always blocked the blows...for a price that became too high to pay.




I'm in love with a man believes that a life isn't lived unless you feel those blows.

So he stands beside me and makes sure I keep my footing,

listens when I cry in pain

sooths the wounds from the fights I find myself waging everyday, now a days

and looks forward to taking the next step with me...steady as I go.


...my question is...

why is this love better?

why do I feel closer to him that anyone save my children?

I'm tired and overworked every day...every God-damned day...

and still I feel stronger because he is there...

and what's his price?

a little of my time and to hear my laugh...

I shit you not.

with all of this happening, I hope I 'm strong enough when the other shoe drops.

*smiles*

...I'm in love...

my life from above, part I

As time and the difficulties that build strength marches on, I start to see mayself differently.

fading away is the vibrant, happy and optimistic woman who looked forward to her thirties and the challenges it brings...

the woman who loved deeply and played hard...

who wanted to live life for the experience...

she is slowly being possessed by a stone golem...devoid of emotion, for fear of the truth of life...the realities that may steal any joy that she had, and intent on wiping out the glimmers of happiness that peak through the chinks in her gypsum shell.

my girls are finding their on way in the world, making decisions and suffering the consciquences...it's hard to watch when your only desire is for them to be happy, content and satisfied with the life you have given them.

...but as we all do, they long to find or build a life defined by the rules that they make or break...

...it was thrilling when we did it, barely escaping the hard landings and the razors' edge

or hitting them with the force of a MAC truck...wiping themselves off and yelling:

"YES MA'AM MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?"

But when we see it as a observer, the mentor to the most precious things in our lives, we cringe and cry, worry and fret...

...and, for whateever reason get mad when they are alright:

"don't you understand what you are doing to me?"

...sounding like a parent...

sounding like our parents....