the last time this happenned...

I have to be careful with Jinge...not so much because his is delicate in nature, quite the opposite actually, but because the last time I got into a relationship after a long term one (as a matter of fact, after the end of my last marriage), the result were horrific...

Roger was a manager at the job I was at as my marriage was falling apart and after he died, we tried to make a life together. He was kind, a geek like myself and a single father of a wonderfull boy. we cared for each other deeply and he was totally dedicated to me and my oldest girl...

then I decided that for an inexplicable reason that Roger was the bad guy. He wasn't- he was there, available mentally, physically , and emotionally. He wanted me and my child and he loved me dearly...

I thought that I wasn't worth it. I thought I was wasting my time and I thought he was to, so I blamed him for the love and the support that he gave me without strings attached.

I grew to hate him...

....I couldn't face the fact that my marriage was over and that there wasn't anything I could do to stop it or his death for that matter.

I felt like a failure...and that he was a loser for loving a failure...

so I told him one night that I never wanted to see him again and as he pleaded and cried, I left to go to the local watering hole and picked up some guy with the intention of sleeping with him, but I started having second thoughts and told him him that...

he wouldn't take no for an answer...

let's just say that by the time it was over, he got 22 stiches and I got pregnant...

now 9 years and two girls later, I find myself in a simular place...single again...and entering a relationship that's very promising and very secure mentally, physcally and emotionally...

...and i find myself wanting to push away...

...but this time experience has taught me better...or at the very least to stay my ass at home...

with him...