...SiqueCountry...

...a world filled with depth of thought and simple (or complex) silliness...kids, men (loved and lost), school, work, play, politics, religion, anime (and hentai), cartoons and video games; private thoughts and public rants...welcome.

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Location: Austin, Texas, United States

A woman ahead of her time and for all time...I come before you strangely familiar...mother, former wife, friend, future wife, daughter...i shoot straight by way of riddles and can make boiling water a exercise of physics...carry a conversation from ed, edd and eddie to la blue girl, NFL to NRA, Jesus to Judas and everything in between. I'm an observer, and though I try not to judge I don't regret doing it...I listen with sincerity and very little shocks me...but many things surprise me. Let me entertain you, bored you, insult you, encourage you, make you laugh, make you think, make you cry, make you curse, and make you...well, let me tell you my story, a post at a time...

Monday, May 30, 2005

the last time this happenned...

I have to be careful with Jinge...not so much because his is delicate in nature, quite the opposite actually, but because the last time I got into a relationship after a long term one (as a matter of fact, after the end of my last marriage), the result were horrific...

Roger was a manager at the job I was at as my marriage was falling apart and after he died, we tried to make a life together. He was kind, a geek like myself and a single father of a wonderfull boy. we cared for each other deeply and he was totally dedicated to me and my oldest girl...

then I decided that for an inexplicable reason that Roger was the bad guy. He wasn't- he was there, available mentally, physically , and emotionally. He wanted me and my child and he loved me dearly...

I thought that I wasn't worth it. I thought I was wasting my time and I thought he was to, so I blamed him for the love and the support that he gave me without strings attached.

I grew to hate him...

....I couldn't face the fact that my marriage was over and that there wasn't anything I could do to stop it or his death for that matter.

I felt like a failure...and that he was a loser for loving a failure...

so I told him one night that I never wanted to see him again and as he pleaded and cried, I left to go to the local watering hole and picked up some guy with the intention of sleeping with him, but I started having second thoughts and told him him that...

he wouldn't take no for an answer...

let's just say that by the time it was over, he got 22 stiches and I got pregnant...

now 9 years and two girls later, I find myself in a simular place...single again...and entering a relationship that's very promising and very secure mentally, physcally and emotionally...

...and i find myself wanting to push away...

...but this time experience has taught me better...or at the very least to stay my ass at home...

with him...

an apology

...i'm sorry for not writing as much as I would like...I have been under a pile of studying for finals...getting the girls to cleveland and trying not to kill or get killed from the sugar ban-

...oh you didn't hear about the sugar ban?...right, because I haven't written in a while...

well...the doctor told me about a week ago that I was overweight, a fact I could find out in the mirrior instead of paying a co-pay...anywho, and that since I'm very veeeery close to being a diabetic, suggested that I stay away from sugar in unnatural forms (I swear, his words)...

...first no processed foods (cookies, donuts...the girls at the Krispy Kreme weep as I type this line...candy bars and regular sodas)

...then no white bread or white rice (no more chinese buffets...what's a chinese buffet without white rice?...and no sushi...or pizza ...the dominos guys have joined the Krispy Kreme girls-I think they might riot)

so for two weeks I have been a sugar banning, chain smoking, terror banchee bitch from hell...

it got so bad that Jinge jumped me with a snickers bar just so we could have a civil conversation...just to tease me about the donut ban...

*shakes head*

after finals week is over and my sugar level normalize...I will write more often...

promise.

with low fat sugar free yogurt on top.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

summertime

the time that kids love and parents fear have come upon us...

summer break.

the girls will have two weeks of lazing around, watching tv and playing video games before the time that kids fear and parents love will come around...

the summer at Grandma's...

they don't really fear it...but the complaits of no band, volleyball and programming camp fill the air like the humidity here in Texas.

i haven't spent more than one week away from my girls in all the twelve years that I have been a mom...

it scares me...I don't know what I'll to do with myself...maybe start a yahoo group...maybe study for the MCSE...maybe learn the piano...

maybe nothing at all...

nothing...no making breakfast...no refereeing the video games...no 3 or 4 hours of spoungebob squarepants...nothing.

the summer may not be that bad after all.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

...a little bit about myself...

...a bit of silliness...only because I like quizzes and Jinge hasn't decided when we are going to see Revenge of the Sith...and I couldn't get the Mace Windu photo up on the Revenge of the Sith quiz...(it said I was Mace Windu...bad ass !!!!)

...so this is my second favorite quiz...


Which member of the JLA are you?

Batman

Losing his parents to a tragic mugging, Bruce Wayne took a vow to wage a one man war on crime. Using the image of the bat to strike fear into criminals, he dons the guise of the Dark Knight after the sun sets. A genius detective and scientist he is a valuable member to the League even without powers

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

...with friends like these...

...a stalker...

...no really...A STALKER!!!...

...FROM SOMEONE I THOUGHT WAS A FRIEND!!!!...

...never mind that it was HE who contacted me...

...never mind that it was HE who started making moves...

...never mind it was HE who gave me his phone number...

...and never mind HE personally invited me to all of his groups to run info on members like Khoral...

...but he calls me a stalker...

'why would he say something like that Sique?' you ask, dear reader...

for the same reason any guy who had something to hide would...

...you found out what he was hiding, when you are sitting up there thinking he's dying or some such...

Cuchulain, I thought you were a friend, so when you told me you were ill with severe asthma and miagranes, I believed you and prayed over you...and I gave you time to rest and in total i tried 6 times in the past 3 weeks to see how you were doing...only 6 times...

...when you didn't respond, I feared the worst, until I found out that you were alive and well chatting and going on with your life...

and like a fool, I'm thinking you're wasting away or something, when the fact is you didn't have the common courtesy to just let me know you are fine...

but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt..so i tried one last time as SiqueCountry to reach you...nothing...

...but then, I go on as another profile, join one of your newly formed groups and IM you...and there you are...

...that hurt baaaaaad...and I let you know it...and did you apologize ?

Nope...you accused me of thinking that we were a couple...*shakes head*...and stalking you...

...and for no good reason...there was nothing that was said in any of our chats or email that would indicated that I had the slightest interest in you other than a friend and the occasional flirt ( if you remember, I was resistant to it at first)......but then I tell you about yourself...

...then POOF!!!, I 'm off all of your groups...and all of a sudden I'm a stalker...

...a piece of advice Jim...everything you do swings right back at you...say what you want about me--you are no better than Khoral in that respect and so I'm going to say the same thing to you I said to him...

...you want to try me, dustup, son...the road to your personal hell is paved with the bones of men better than you...




Monday, May 16, 2005

...the state of the men in my life...

the ink is barely dry on my divorce papers and I am already rethinking the men in my life...

I divorced Trout because he took us for granted and was scared by my move to go back to school, sabotaging everything that I did to accomplish this goal.

Not to say that he wasn't without his good side.

Namely he adores me....Has over almost 14 years.

Short of me going back to school, he supported me in some of the darkest times of my life...

he was a friend...funny, cheerful most times, a prankster and emotionally connected and available...right up until the time I wanted something he couldn't give me...

a college education...(I went to school the first time before we married)

and now that we are divorced, he sees that I'm serious about school and is finally accepting that (it saddens me that I had to go this far for him to do that, though)

I still want him in my life, I still want to be adored, but he can't support my dreams.

Jinge, on the other hand, is in full support of my dreams and goals...helping me with math, getting me on track for the MCSE, being a listening ear for my trouble with school and with Trout...

an easy laugh and shoulder to cry on...and I new perseptive when I find myself in a corner...

and even though he wants me to be emotionally available, to be able to talk to him about whatever, he is anything but...

...wanting to be free from responsibilty, he keeps me at arms reach...just close enough so he isn't lonely...

but so far that I am...even when I am with him...

our connection runs so deep that we can actually be the same person at times...

but he hides when I see glimpes of the man he really is, good or bad...

I still want him in my life, I still want the support and aid he provides, but he won't hold my heart.

so what is a newly single girl do?

put the man she left and the man she loves on notice....

I will get what I want out of life, with or without you.

But having said that, I want you to be there to help me celebrate...

not much of a solution, but it serves and suits me for now.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

...a slight edit...

because of the truly perverse people in the world, and the smart thinking of a girlfriend, Skaramine had to change the name of his blog....

so hence forth it shall be known as "Skaramine's Joint" ( I kept the 'pimp' part because his writng still owns...)

the divorce is final today, and I'm still a bit numb...but the darkness isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be....

thank you for your prayers and your congratulations

Sique

Sunday, May 08, 2005

...at the edge of darkness...

...*sighs* by this time tomorrow, I'll be a single woman again...

I thought I would be happier about this, but alas, dear reader, I am not happy.

I'm tired and sore from work and depressed at the thought that the first man I loved in so many years didn't love me enough to be supportive of my wants, needs and dreams.

I begged, I pleaded, I cried and it wasn't enough. We moved, we went to church, it didn't work. nothing did.

So I did the only thing I could: I filed for divorce.

In the meantime I have started this blog that I thought would help me wind through this dark wilderness but it has done so much more...

it has helped me to reach out beyond myself to all of you...for that I am so grateful.

the dark girl will wade through her darkness for a while, then she will be good as new.

be patient with me, my loved ones, and dear reader, thank you for walking with me...

the journey has just begun and I only hope my company has been nearly as wonderful as yours has been for these 10 weeks

Sique



Thursday, May 05, 2005

...on the edge of the undiscovered country...

three days away...and counting.

A single woman I will become...I'm happy and at the same time, I mourn the fact that I will to do something that I've been fighting all my life:

Grow up.

Maturity has never been my strong suit...I rather enjoy being a certified female ManChild. And even with girls of my own, that was never a real problem, but I always had help, someone there to keep me on the straight and narrow...

But now I realize that I have outgrown him and my former life...in spite of myself, I have beome an adult.

I've fought and lost...and I'm surprised that accepting that is easier than the fighting ever was...

My life is complex, but that was mostly because I spent so much time fighting the true nature of my being instead of letting the former me die and welcoming the new life that has been laid out ahead of me...

Trout has begun to realize that too..his pleading has stopped and we are making plans for our lives apart...

I plan to celebrate after it gets finalized, but I know that the reason has changed...and so has the toast...

not to singlehood again...

not to having the "bum" out of my life....

not to having a chance to be with someone new...

its to adulthood...

maturity...

life with purpose...

and the undiscovered country.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

...and then there were two....

I love to write.

I love to write ALOT.

So it is with great joy that I announce the birth of SiqueFiction ,my short story blog...

The two premere stories "the smile" and "Informer" are stories I wrote for
Fiction Alley , a Harry Potter fan fic site, but as time goes on I will have all sorts of fiction to share....

It is my hope that you will visit, read and comment on the selections posted and through this make me a better writer...

Speaking of which, those who visit regularly have noticed that I have added a new link, Skaramine's ManChild Pimp Joint. Skaramine is wild, funny and is an awesome ( as well as published) writer...go there...no, NOW...

*waits patiently while you hit the link and reads his stuff....*

Back? didn't I tell you it was great?!!? well, we have to go find a apartment for Trout (the final is about a week away...) talk to you soon...

Sique